I Die

Warning!  This post contains graphic photos.  Pregnant women and those suffering from heart conditions or ataxophobia should not read without first consulting a physician.

Today, I want to talk about death. I've been thinking a lot about death for the past...oh...day or so.  Ever since Saturday morning when my coffee maker died.  Before my first cup.  Creating a situation in which the thought of something ending in -cide first began to germinate and sound really good.

My caffeine-deprived state also left me vulnerable to victimization.  Hence, I was shanghaied into helping clean out the garage.  Garage-o-cide sounded like a much better option than garage-o-clean.  When humans are faced with extreme situations coupled with java-jonesing, we are capable of just about anything.  Even garage-killing.

As an aside, there was, at the height of autumn, which was, here in Texas, last month, a rather menacing and potentially life-threatening infestation of rodents.  Hero Hubby, like a true suburban Iron Man, eradicated the vermin, single-handedly and with the strategic use of rat bait because he has serious anti-fieldmouse skillz.  He just makes me tingle.

So, we're cleaning out the garage and...

Okay, one thing I forgot to mention.  When the mice eat the bait, they die.  Wherever they happen to...you know...die.  I think it's really bad.  Involving internal hemorrhaging and neuro-paralytic seizures. 

I dunno.  I might have made that up.

So, we're cleaning the garage and, in my de-caf state of mind, I really don't tolerate finding wee Stuart Little carcasses in various states of decomposition behind every bin and shelf.  That's just more death than I could handle in my weakened state.  Despite my -cidal obsession.

Another thing I should mention here:  The garage hadn't been cleaned out in over two years.  It was a mess, people.  I'm talking a big mess.  Mess-amphetamine.  Mess-rhoids.  Mess-athon.  Mess-o-cide.  The kind of mess you do not want to mess with alone.

<--Big, fat, garage mess.

But I had Hero Hubby to totally take advantage of my foggy brain help me.  Which also made me think about death.  (His.)

We went out to buy organizing bins.  During which time we also bought a new coffee maker.  Which we didn't plug in.  Because, when we got back home, we cleaned the garage.  While sweeping up dead mice.

<--  More terrible, horrible, no good, very bad garage mess.

It was hard work.  It involved ladders.  And power tools.   And poisonous chemicals.  And batteries. And rolls and rolls of industrial strength trash bags.  The BIG, BLACK, ones. And... *sob* ...brooms.  Lots of brooms.

Trip to Goodwill tomorrow. 

Except I won't see tomorrow.   The coffee-less garage cleaning killed me.  It was a very painful death.  Seriously painful.  I severely injured myself several times including dropping that big, green, very heavy trash bin in such a way that the edge of the handle gouged my shin.  And I broke a fingernail.  Which is VERY serious because I keep my fingernails short. There's not a lot to break off, okay? 

And when you're as dead as I am, you think about death a lot.  There's not a lot else to think about.  Just death.

And caffeine. 

The good news is that I'm a Christian.  So when I die, I go to heaven. Guaranteed.  In my case, Saturday's heaven looked a lot like a hot shower, a clean, mouse-free garage and a new coffee maker.

Oh, but heaven's going to rock a lot harder than that!  Can I get an Amen!?

Maybe I'm only mostly dead?  I think the coffee from the new coffee maker may have revived me.  I'll let you know after my next cup.

Comments

[Three Bay B Chicks]

You are a funny, funny lady! Death by lack of caffeine. I love it. Thankfully, you did not die in vain. Your death was for a higher cause...that of a clean garage. I think you are definitely headed to heaven for your sacrifice.

Today is Monday (I think). A good day to head out to the store and buy yourself a new coffee maker...that is, if you are alive enough to handle the task.

-Francesca

[Shelly]

Our garage is still waiting after 3 years of Hubby's promises to clean it out...Wanna come play? I'll make coffee!

[Susanne]

Your hubby is a very brave man. Mine would never venture to get me to do any manual labor without my first having coffee.

[Bronwen]

I totally feel your pain. We finally got 2 cars in our 3 car garage! Next time treat yourself to a Starbucks or such after a job well done. Previous post worst gift? Salad Shooter.

[Deidre]

Oh my word, this is hilarious!! I just know you've already bought a new coffee maker, right?

Funny!

[Angelika]

Evan saw Stuart Little on the stairs yesterday.

Yay.

We got the mouse bait. Now I just have to hope it croaks somewhere easy to get to. Because if it kicks the bucket in the black hole (fully stuffed closet) then it will be in there until I move...