My Divinely Inspired (read: ONLY) Kitchen Tip

Not to mention the obvious or anything, but I don't post recipes much.  I think I posted a crock pot recipe once.  Took me two weeks to write.  On high.

And I don't blog much about food.  I eat food. 

When it comes to handy dandy kitchen tips, there's a bit of a deficit there as well I'm afraid.  To be honest, I'm neither handy nor dandy in the kitchen.  More like mamby.  Or pamby.

But there is a God in heaven.  And He does love me. And He has blessed me with a single, solitary kitchen tip.  Either that or it was a total and complete accident that I discovered this little trick one day when I didn't plan ahead for supper and sort of did this whole panic-cooking thing for which I am notorious.  Personally, this tip is so good that I'm convinced it was divinely inspired.  Either way, I will now share with you, dear readers.  You're welcome.

It involves cutting chicken.  I'll call it...

Carol's Cut Chick Tip. 

Okay, that's not so good.  How about...

Carol's Chick Cut Tip.

Chick Cut Carol's Tip?

Tip Carol's Cut Chick?

Gah!  I can't name a darned thing.  I'm so bad at naming things I had to give my kids used names.  They named the dog.   My bird is six years old and has no name at all.  Pathetic, I know.

So, start with a knife, a cutting board and boneless, skinless chicken breasts.  Boneless, skinless, chicken thighs work, too. 

Dang!  I think my bird heard that.  She's carrying on something fierce right now.  I mean, the feathers are flying and the cage is shaking.  Okay, I'll whisper.

Take the boneless, skinless you-know-what breasts and thighs...

You know, I've seen a spineless sap and a jerk with no backbone.  I've even seen a few limp wrists.  But I've never seen a boneless, skinless chicken.  I really think they're making that up. 

So, you know how raw boneless skinless...uh....chickens... are sort of slimy?  And how it's really hard to slice and dice them?  You grab the knife and apply it to the flesh, sawing back and forth and it sort of undulates beneath the blade as the metal rips through the muscle, making it slither and twist and writhe...  It's enough to make you go vegan.  Seriously.

Or you can use a cleaver.  And hack it to pieces, - Whap, whap, whap! - hoping chicken juices don't squirt all over the place.  Take THAT and THAT and THAT!!  Careful not to lose a finger with that technique.

Uh-oh. I said the CH word again.  Bird is going bonkers, screeching to beat all.  Shut up, bird!!   Huh.  Now she's giving me the stink eye.

I don't know why I got that bird, really.  A friend of mine's kids bred two birds and sold the chicks as a 4H project.  I mean come on.  Do I LOOK like I need a bird?  But kids are so cute with their smiles and dimples and big, innocent eyes. And I'm such a sucker for kids.  We know how they all turn out, of course.  Yeah.  As grownups.  Bah!

Umm...Chicken!  I mean...chicken.

I know they say you're not supposed to this, but I use the defrost setting on my microwave to partially thaw the chicken. Which begs the question, if you're not supposed to defrost meat in the microwave, why is there a "defrost meat" setting on it, hmmmm....?  I say it's a CIA plot to keep us in a perpetual panic over what to cook for supper when we forget to put meat in the fridge the day before, is what I think.  Yeah.

This technique requires careful defrosting, though.  You don't want it completely thawed.  (Of course! Which is the whole point of this post.  Finally!!!!)  In order to keep the you-know-what from thawing completely, what I do is I lie.  Unconscionable, I know.  But I tell the microwave the chicken weighs only half of what it really does.

What?  Like, you've never lied about your weight?  *snort* 

When the chicken is only partially thawed - still a little hard and icy in the middle - it absolutely cuts like a dream!  Well, more like an apple, really. I've never cut a dream.  I've cut a fa...   Um... [cough]

Oh, and it's okay to toss the partially thawed chicken into your recipe without further thawing.

Shut up, bird!

So that's how you make cutting up boneless skinless breasts and thighs a whole lot easier.

SHUT UP, BIRD!!!!

Works for me!

Comments

[Mulled Vine]

I don't know what to say. I've just read an immensely long ramble on cutting chickens. I'm going to go off and shoot myself.

[Brenda]

Wow, that was a good tip...I kind of knew that about chicken, but I won't tell anyone because you worked so hard explaining it to us, and traumatized your bird in the process. I did whisper my comment by the way:)

[Heather of the EO]

You aren't supposed to thaw meat in the microwave? I honestly didn't know that. Obviously I need more of your kitchen tips.

This post was so funny. Made my day. Your poor, poor bird.

[Three Bay B Chicks]

Ah, adventures in cooking. Loved this post, Carol. A real gem!

The debate re thawing chicken in the microwave is an on-going battle in my house. I subscribe to the partial thawing in the microwave method. My husband is stauchly against it. If meat needs to be thawed, it should be done in a bowl of water to speed up the process.

Do you have any idea how long this takes? :)

-Francesca

[Lidian]

That's a good tip. I also hate cutting chicken, or dealing with meat, and we are almost vegetarians anyway, but sometimes, you know, not.

I also like buying precut chicken strips (without breading), and then I really don't have to interact with them too much.

[JanMary, N Ireland]

LOL!

Great tip :)

[Joy @ Five J's]

Spent all that time reading your hilarious post…just to find out that it's easier to cut partially thawed chicken? Ummm…I actually already knew that. And like you, discovered it by accident.

But my time here was not wasted at all. Some wise person somewhere said that laughter does the heart good! And I laughed heartily the entire time I was reading your post. Thanks!

Oh, and I'm subscribing now…

[sandy toes]

Oh..I am not big on cutting "meat"..I know you almost have to if you want to make dinner..but it grosses me out..especially and "fluid" of sort!
-sandy toe

[Kim H.]

Okay, I think it's a genius post - and I've actually cut up partially frozen chicken by accident, and yes, it definitely works like a charm. And there's none of that slimy, back-n-forth, back-n-forth bologna. Ugh, I hate preparing chicken just for that reason alone.

Anyway, may be you could have a contest to name-that-bird. You know, if you're scraping the barrel for blog post ideas. I'm just sayin'.

[Leanne]

Okay, you mean one can actually freeze chicken? It doesn't have to be fresh? I'm so confused.

Oh, and I agree with Kim, we need to name the bird. Post a picture and let's have a contest. Please.

[Corina]

You are hilarious. Honestly. No one could have written a post better about cutting chicken.

[Carol]

Mulled Vine: Don't make me call Crisis Intervention Hotline on you, man.

Those of you that already knew this tip: You are so much smarter than I am! Either that or God just told you first.

Kim H. and Leanne: What would I give for a prize? Chic-fil-A gift certificate?

Corinia: Who else would even bother?

[Kristen@nosmallthing]

Lots of chuckles here. And I didn't know you weren't supposed to defrost meat in the micro...I do it all the time. Oh well. Live and learn.

So if your bird doesn't have a name, what do you call it?